Burger Hell

For a game developer, there's nothing quite like fast food. It's quick, convenient, and it's saturated with enough grease to get the gears in your head turning again after a long day at the office. If there's one thing even more irresistible than a good burger, though, it's a challenge-- and if you put those two things together, well... pretty much anyone with a y-chromosome and a sense of adventure is doomed. This potent combination explains how a simple poster on the wall of the local Easy Take-Out Burger turned an otherwise commonplace lunch into half an hour of pure burger hell.

The innocent-looking sign reads, “Take the Title to Receive 50% Off Every Visit.” The “title,” of course, is the dubious honor bestowed upon the individual that is able to consume the largest burger within the time limit. Despite America's reputation for gratuitous gastronomic indulgence, the Easy Take-Out Burger's ultimate record sat at a mere 12 patties. Ha! Such a record is regularly broken at family cook-outs and college dorm picnics-- surely, one of the devs could down a 13 patty burger and gain the coveted 50% discount!

After some encouragement from the rest of the gang (taunting by Slava), Dennis decided that the greasy glory could easily be his. It is import to note at this point that because of several genetic quirks, a full 80% of the human population is physiologically incapable of backing down from a dare. It's a fact! Maybe. Unfortunately, Dennis had bravely accepted the burger challenge without knowing the horrible truth behind the poster; it was almost tragically out-of-date. The current record for patties consumed was nearly double the old, sitting at a gut-turning 20 quarter-pound patties. This meant that in order to claim the title, he'd have to down at least 21 patties within 30 minutes. Alas, despite the obvious insanity of the challenge, Dennis was already irrevocably committed. Genetics are a bitch.

And so it was that an edible abomination was delivered unto the hapless challenger, a great and terrible lunch that had likely required the sacrifice of 50 head of cattle and an entire lettuce field. This was the sort of sandwich that, if successfully devoured, would probably devour about a decade off of the life of its consumer, in turn. Dennis struggled mightily with the meaty monstrosity, and by the 7 minute mark, he'd managed to wolf down 15 patties, the buns, and all the tasty fixin's. Meanwhile, to show support for Dennis' undertaking (and perhaps to assuage his guilt at suggesting such a thing), Slava ordered and consumed an entire 8-patty burger. And in what was either a rare display of sanity and moderation or solid proof of a dainty constitution, Eric and John only ate good ole-fashioned single patty burgers.

The battle raged on for the full 30 minutes, but in the end, meat-product ultimately triumphed over man. With what looked like 3 patties left, Dennis' time ran out. Slava, though, finished his 8-stack within the time allotted, and Eric just barely managed to finish his single patty burger before time ran out. There's probably some great moral that can be gleaned from this whole story, but honestly, we're not quite sure what it is.

31 patties later, we're just happy that none of our team has suffered any massive heart attacks, loss of will to live, or cattle crossings. Everyone returned to the office later that day, a little older, a little wiser, and a fair bit heavier. One thing's for sure: it'll be a long while before the devs can look a cow in the face, again.